DEAR ABBY: Father’s past is being used as a weapon in the present

DEAR ABBY: I am a troubled older man. I was married with three children, but I drank too much. My wife and I divorced after 20 years of marriage. We were both flawed. I have been remarried and divorced since.  

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My children grew up, and we had a great relationship. I also had a great relationship with my grandchildren as well. Then, 10 or 12 years ago, my first wife began talking bad about me, telling stories of when I was younger. Some of them are accurate, but many are embellished. My oldest daughter joined her mother in the storytelling.  

Over the past 41 years, I have had 40 years of (nonconsecutive) sobriety. I am 21 years sober at present. Those stories have grown to monumental proportions, and two of my children and several of my grandchildren no longer want to have contact with me. They say “a toxic person never changes.”  

I have always worked, never been arrested, retired from a company, had a lifetime of volunteer activities in my community and am respected by most of my peers. I miss my family. What can I do? — LONELY IN MISSOURI

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DEAR LONELY: Your ex-wife has told these tales because she has an ax to grind. Her motives are not pure. Your oldest daughter probably witnessed some of the outrageous behaviour you exhibited when you drank while she was quite young. If those are her memories of you, she has a right to repeat them.  

However, it may be time for you to remind all of your grown children that you are no longer the person you were when you were drinking, that you have had 21 years sober and are not “toxic” (a term that is tossed about too frequently these days), and you would like to have a relationship with them. However, if they are unwilling, you will have to form other relationships so you aren’t completely isolated. Loneliness can be a killer. 

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DEAR ABBY: When my niece walks into a room, she mmediately takes over any conversations in progress. Everyone has allowed this to continue, so I assume they are OK with it. However, I find it extremely rude and disrespectful. I have often gotten up and gone home rather than confront her, which appears to be condoning her behaviour. Is there a way to confront her without her or the family getting mad at me, or should I just keep “going home”? — HURTING EARS IN OREGON

DEAR HURTING EARS: There are two kinds of people in this world. The first are those who enter a room and say, “HERE I am!” The second are those who enter and say, “THERE you are!” The first individuals are self-centred. The second are people who are truly welcomed. Because the family has condoned your niece’s behaviour for years, I don’t think saying anything to her now would help the situation. For a quick exit, make sure your car is parked somewhere accessible. 

— Dear Abby is written by Abigail Van Buren, also known as Jeanne Phillips, and was founded by her mother, Pauline Phillips. Contact Dear Abby at DearAbby.com or P.O. Box 69440, Los Angeles, CA 90069.

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